Target: Matthew Berry of ESPN Fantasy Football
Article: Love/Hate for Week 1

Matthew Berry is a must read for me every week. A little on the sarcastic side and funnier than anything seen recently on Saturday Night Live, he always leaves me gasping for breath, trying to recover from his jokes and quips. My question has always been: Is Berry more Dennis Miller, having greater talent in entertainment than football, or John Madden, who oozes football lore but has to be one of the most annoying analysts ever foisted upon us?

Berry has been moving up in the world and is now a writer for ESPN Fantasy Football. When I looked up his regular Love/Hate column for Week One, I got my usual laughter but also a sense that the article was lacking something. What was it? Oh, yeah, football knowledge. But, let’s see what the Week One results tell us. Berry gave us a total of around twenty players he loved, excluding the entire teams he picked out for a weekly man crush. So, I apologize ahead of time as this will be fast and furious. Seems like that’s what I’m usually telling my wife too. Interesting….

Alge Crumpler: Four catches for 40 yards doesn’t do much for me. The Atlanta Falcons are a train wreck right now and everyone but Matt saw it coming.

Chester Taylor: Eighteen rushing yards and a hip injury into the season, Mr. Taylor may have irrevocably lost his starting job to impressive looking Adrian Peterson. Of course, it was Atlanta A.P. looked so impressive against. Wait until he plays an NFL defense to get excited.

DeShaun Foster: Rushing and catching for 101 yards isn’t bad. Losing a red zone fumble is bad. Enduring a season of getting yanked at the stripe is really bad.

Isaac Bruce: “Two first names. Always a crowd pleaser,” according to Berry. Freaking hysterical, but a little light on number crunching and analysis. Three catches for 20 yards, now that is a football joke for anyone who started the ancient one.

Travis Henry: Great call that could have been made by anyone who has ever played fantasy football, watched a football game, or thought that two first names made someone a great play.

That’s the first five. Hhhmmmm. We can give Berry a pass on Taylor due to the injury. Henry was great if predictable. Foster was acceptable. Crumpler and Bruce were a huge disappointment. I can’t say I’m impressed by what the ESPN expert has given us so far. Owners would have started Henry no matter what recommendations were made and none of the other guys did anything to help fantasy teams win. Moving forward….

Damon Huard: Ouch! An apology is owed to owners who started Huard because of this recommendation. Wait – if you started Huard, regardless of what anyone else said, you are an idiot, eliminating any need to make an apology. You should know better.

Jacoby Jones: For those unfamiliar with the name, Jones is a receiver for Texas. There wasn’t really any reason to know his name before this week and, not surprisingly, this did not change even with the Texans abusing the Chiefs all day.

Ahman Green, Andre Johnson, and Matt Schaub: Passable, obvious pick, and passable again. This is the shotgun approach where, if you aren’t sure who to pick, take ‘em all. One of them should pan out.

Ladell Betts: Portis was a lot healthier than many expected. He also looked much more explosive than Betts and took the goal line work. Betts was a dangerous start that didn’t work out.

Chris Cooley: One reception for ten yards. Um, I’ll leaning towards labeling this pick bad but I could be wrong. Nah, this pick blew.

Our second intermission is at hand. After another seven players snuck into five picks, has Berry improved his predictive powers? Wow, not even close. This expert looks to be circling the toilet bowl pretty fast. Other than the obvious Andre Johnson, the rest of these guys damaged your chances to win, if they didn’t completely destroy it.

David Martin: One catch and seven yards for Martin. I’m running out of words that rhyme with suck.

Tom Brady: Duh.

Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis: Another sneaky try to get two players for the price of one. Karma got its revenge as these two receivers combined for three catches. That is less than Roddy White caught from Joey Harrington in Week One.

Brandon Jackson: The Packers couldn’t run last year and didn’t seem to be all that worried about fixing the issue during the off season. Why would anyone expect them to turn into a running juggernaut all of the sudden?

Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor: Another two for one deal that netted owners less than nothing. Jacksonville couldn’t accomplish anything against a Tennessee defense that was a cakewalk last season. Did they get better or is David Garrard as horrible as I keep saying he is?

Let me remind everyone that these are an expert’s choices for players he loved in Week One. It would be very easy to mistake it for the week’s Biggest Disappointments list. This section wasn’t completely worthless though. Berry did tell us to start Tom Brady and no one would have done that if he hadn’t pointed out what a great play he is….Let’s put him out of his misery in this final section.

Josh McCown, LaMont Jordan, Ronald Curry: I have to admit this is a gutsy selection, or selections since there are three players here. Jordan and Curry were great for anyone brave enough to put them into a starting lineup. McCown had over 300 yards and two touchdowns, but two interceptions and two lost fumbles dampen my excitement.

Carnell Williams: I can sympathize with Berry on this selection. I had high hopes for Caddy as well, and still do. He was looking good before an injury took him out of the game. I’ll give one more injury pass here.

Marion Barber and Julius Jones: Come on! Who in their right mind would start both of these guys unless they were gunning for the first pick next year? Make a decision, expert – that’s what you get paid to do. Barber got the touchdown this week while both of them rushed for around 65 yards.

Mark Clayton and Todd Heap: Clayton pulled the biggest disappearing act of Week One, barely even getting into the game. Meanwhile, Heap had his chances, getting called for offensive pass interference on his first TD catch and then watching the tying touchdown pass bounce off his hands. Both of these guys sucked last week.

The Oakland call was good. Another injury doomed his Caddy pick and the Baltimore players cemented Berry’s place in my Expert’s Hall of Shame.

To summarize, Matthew Berry’s recommendations were complete and utter crap. I love to read his articles and will continue to do so. However it will be with entertainment in mind, not fantasy football information. It is kind of like watching the Biggest Loser last night. I don’t need to lose any weight; I tip the scales at a strapping 150 pounds of pure muscle and manly testosterone. But there is something hysterical about watching fat people getting screamed at while all 400 pounds of them are about to dissolve into a puddle of tears and twinkies at the foot of the stationary bike.

And now it is time for a little soul searching of my own. After tearing down Mr. Berry (and deservedly so) I will now, in the interests of full disclosure, break down my best and worst picks as newly appointed Shot Caller.

Best Pick

Ben Roethlisberger: He was one of my Must Start’s for Week One and certainly delivered to the tune of four touchdowns. Heck yeah! His yardage totals weren’t anything to write home about. But I’ll take four TDs from my quarterback any day.

Worst Pick

I’m going to list two as I deserve to get called out on both of these.

Drew Brees: An obvious start that blew up on me. I was drinking too much of the “opening game of the season” kool-aid I guess. But who would have thought that Indianapolis would suddenly find a defense? I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out, that is for sure. It would have helped if his receivers had caught the ball when it hit them in the hands or bounced off their chest. The Colt secondary was striking some fear into the Saint receivers and they were running scared by halftime.

Steven Jackson: Not only did I recommend starting him, I also seized the opportunity to talk smack to the AOL expert who took Gore over Jackson at the second pick, letting me snag SJ at #3. Yum, humble pie tastes so good! I still think SJ will be a monster this year. But he only has 15 more games to prove me right.

Well, we have uncovered another writer masquerading as a fantasy football expert. While we all make mistakes, commit blunders, and repeatedly make asses of ourselves, Matthew Berry’s article contained almost zero helpful football knowledge. His Oakland picks were commendable. Everything else he touched was garbage, no matter how amusing.