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FF In The Groin
Week 9

Move aside Terrell Owens. We can measure your fantasy impact with 100% certainty for the balance of the season, so you really aren’t worth discussing any more.

Groin Shot of the Week Candidates

LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD) – I’ve barely got the divot in my couch warmed up, and I’m seeing near back-to-back highlights of LaDainian Tomlinson finding the end zone. My wife supportively suggests, “maybe they will rest him now?” It’s only the first quarter... Sure enough, how about a 1 yard plunge in the 2nd quarter and another in the 3rd? In a fantasy game that pitted 7-1 me vs. 7-1 LT owner, this sure knocked the wind out of my sails pretty quickly.

LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD) - So here’s my new theory: Any monkey can win at fantasy football if you have the #1 overall pick. You pick Tomlinson, he scores as much as three players on your opponent’s team half the games, and then as a “normal” stud RB1 the rest of the time (except for that small blip against the Eagles), so you can pretty much assemble most any rag-tag group of average players to fill out the roster and take the trophy. This is like those Marshall Faulk years. I never owned him then. And followed up by the Priest Holmes years. I never owned him during that stretch either.

LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD) – But seriously, who else am I going to put up here? Until Monday night we had zero QBs throw for 3 or more TDs (nice job Peyton and Tom - I was hoping for a low scoring result), we had zero receivers catch multiple TDs (until Harrison) and there were exceptional RB performances by Shaun Alexander and Larry Johnson, but still they trailed Tomlinson by over 10 points. Sure there were some surprises like Michael Bennett, Jonathan Wells, Sam Gado (pronounced GAH-do) and others, but these were such a stretch if you were at the point of relying on these guys, something else must have gone horribly wrong. All the more reason to bash on the Tomlinson owners.

Groin Mail

Fantasy Tennis? Hmm...

A quote from your Week 8 FF in the Groin: "These pre-game analysis factors meant little compared to the psychological motivation the Giants took into this game. Wellington Mara: the greatest person in the NFL... that I had never heard of before." I can not believe you could write that. You have never heard of Mara and you write FF articles? Maybe some time as a intern will help you learn pro football, until then try writing about tennis or something.


I’ve never been in a fantasy football league that awards points for owners, Mark. Please enlighten me on how this works. You know, I can sit behind this computer and pretend to know everything if you like, but I think our readers are intelligent enough to see right through that. Most of our readers anyway.

Mike, Love the column. Your son Alex could do a heck of a lot worse - he could be a Lions fan for 30 years. Your Bills have been to 4 Super Bowls. The Lions were still wearing leather helmets and competing against guys like Bronco Nagurski when the Lions won their last championship. Furthermore, while you've had QBs like Jim Kelly, we've had stiffs like Harrington, Ware, Long, etc... So, I shed no tears. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely, Andrew

P.S. Hey, Eric Moulds is sure paying dividends for me.

Okay Andrew, you convinced me. Alex is going to learn to cheer for the Bills, and every time he complains my stock answer is going to be, “It could be worse. You could be a Lions fan.”

Hello Mike. I've been enjoying the column. Here's a real nice groin shot for you:

Last Monday night I'm going into the game with an 18.5 point lead (106.5 to 88.0). I have nobody left, he has Michael Vick. I did a statistical analysis before the game and found out that in 5 previous games this year, Michael Vick only scored 19.0 points once, so I figure I've got about an 80.0% chance to hold on for the victory. In the game Vick's anemic passing totals continue. However, he manages to run for 2 TDs giving him 12 points. At the 2:00 minute warning at the end of the game, my opponent and I are dead even in points, 106.5 to 106.5. We award 0.5 points per every 10 yards passing, rushing, receiving. Up to this point Vick has run for 2 TDs = 12.0 pts, passed for 116 yards = 5.5 pts and rushed for 21.0 yards = 1.0 pt which totals up to 18.5 pts. So now we are tied, but because the hapless Jets used all their timeouts, they can no longer stop the clock so I knew what was coming, but still couldn't believe it. Vick does three consecutive kneel downs which get scored as -1 yard per play. After the minus 3 yards is added to Vick's rushing totals he goes from 21 yards rushing to 18 yards rushing pulling his point total for rushing yards down to 0.5. When all is said and done, I end up winning 106.5 to 106.0, all because of 3 kneel downs at the end of the game! Can you believe it? I still can't and my opponents groin must still be sore...

Regards, R.W.

That is a great story R.W. The kneel down is always a classic Groin Shot.

Mike, Talk about a groin shot. Shortly after the ridiculous late interception by Mr. Vick, I’m tied @ 80.25, Vick kneels on the ball 3 times and I lose 80.25 to 79.95. FF will drive a man insane!


If not for score difference, I’d think I heard from both ends of the same fantasy game. Isn’t it funny how the player on the winning side going into so much detail whereas the player on the short end drives right to the point? And Peter, on going insane... the answer is Yes.

Comments From The Couch

  • Did you know if you Google "Terrell Owens", the number of hits has increased 534,179 in the past 4 days?

  • You might as well Google "Panthers Cheerleaders" while you are at it. The "TopCats" section of has been hit with so much web traffic as a result of a road trip to Tampa Bay, you'd think it was the FF Today Forums 30 minutes before Sunday kickoff.

  • And to save you some time, it was Angela and Renee, not falsely accused Kristen. Talk about putting the "Fantasy" back into Football.

  • Eli Manning has 2 road wins in his career as the Giants' starter, one in the Meadowlands in the Saints "home" opener, and now against the 49ers. Let's not go popping the bubbly just yet...

  • Brad Johnson is back in the saddle as the Vikings starting QB... and they're winning? Michael Bennett is tearing it up. Hey, there is an Andre Johnson sighting. What this flip is going on here? Do I even dare ask who Samkon Gado is?

  • Even though it is (pardon me, was) one of the dumbest recurring TD celebrations going, that was a nice show of appreciation by Nate Burelson doing the Daunte Culpepper forearm rollin', rollin', rollin' move. I believe it was a bit overshadowed though... by one of the most spectacular TD catches this season! Wow!

  • I think Steve Smith should join a local community theatre, to help utilize some of his creative energy. At any rate I really liked the Zorro fencing TD celebration. Much better than the "centerfold posing", "baby is sleeping", "row your boat" spectacles earlier this season. I can't even keep track of all of them.

  • The way my video recorder works, it can record up to 2 channels, but when doing so I cannot view a third channel. After I watched the final minutes of the Chargers-Jets tussle, I was frantically turning off recordings to get back to the Raiders-Chiefs. Thankfully I made it in time. What a finish! Of course Larry Johnson was riding pine for me, but still a hell of a call.

  • And speaking of The Call, no offense to Randy Cross suggesting a quick pass, but Larry Johnson up the gut was absolutely the right play for that team under those circumstances. Quick pass given the pressure the Raiders had been getting on Trent Green? - No. Settle for the FG and potentially rely on the Chiefs defense in OT? - No. I can't remember the last time I saw the Chiefs get stuffed on that goal line play call, and against the Raiders run D, that play was money.

  • Okay, back to the Chargers-Jets... well what is there to say really. Brooks Bollinger comes off the bench to even get them back in the game, and it is in his hands in the final minutes. Throw up a couple prayers (really it could have been pass interference on Fletcher covering Coles) and that is the ball game. The way the season has gone for the Jets, fans have to be pretty proud of that effort.

  • And the Chargers are a team I just can't figure out. They are talented and competitive with most any team, but man do they fade down the stretch.

  • Within seconds of telling my wife these 60 Seconds With Jimmy Kimmel bits on Monday Night Football are not funny, we're both laughing out loud at the Bill Cowher Angry Man piece. Great stuff Jimmy!

  • The Pats just have too many holes on defense right now. I guess they made a promise not to put Troy Brown back in the secondary again, because they could use him. Tomlinson's juke which made all the highlights this week aside, it's also worth noting that Ty Law is having a pretty good year for the Jets.

  • Peyton Manning and the Colts finally got that gorilla off their back. John Madden proclaimed now they know they will never have to come back and play in Foxboro in the playoffs. Of course, that is not entirely accurate. If the Pats win the AFC East (certainly doable) and the Colts somehow stumble and fall behind the Jaguars for the division crown (possible), then it could be hello snow and ice come playoff time.

  • Bills on a bye week this past week. Well, that's a better result than the previous couple weeks.

And The Winner Is…

Obvious, isn’t it?