Move aside Terrell Owens. We can measure your fantasy impact with
100% certainty for the balance of the season, so you really aren’t
worth discussing any more.
Groin Shot of the Week Candidates
LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD)
– I’ve barely got the divot in my couch warmed
up, and I’m seeing near back-to-back highlights of LaDainian
Tomlinson finding the end zone. My wife supportively suggests,
“maybe they will rest him now?” It’s only the
first quarter... Sure enough, how about a 1 yard plunge in the
2nd quarter and another in the 3rd? In a fantasy game that pitted
7-1 me vs. 7-1 LT owner, this sure knocked the wind out of my
sails pretty quickly.
LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD)
- So here’s my new theory: Any monkey can win at
fantasy football if you have the #1 overall pick. You pick Tomlinson,
he scores as much as three players on your opponent’s team
half the games, and then as a “normal” stud RB1 the
rest of the time (except for that small blip against the Eagles),
so you can pretty much assemble most any rag-tag group of average
players to fill out the roster and take the trophy. This is like
those Marshall Faulk years. I never owned him then. And followed
up by the Priest Holmes years. I never owned him during that stretch
LaDainian Tomlinson (150+ Yd, 4 TD)
– But seriously, who else am I going to put up here?
Until Monday night we had zero QBs throw for 3 or more TDs (nice
job Peyton and Tom - I was hoping for a low scoring result), we
had zero receivers catch multiple TDs (until Harrison) and there
were exceptional RB performances by Shaun Alexander and Larry
Johnson, but still they trailed Tomlinson by over 10 points. Sure
there were some surprises like Michael Bennett, Jonathan Wells,
Sam Gado (pronounced GAH-do) and others, but these were such a
stretch if you were at the point of relying on these guys, something
else must have gone horribly wrong. All the more reason to bash
on the Tomlinson owners.
Fantasy Tennis? Hmm...
A quote from your Week 8 FF in the Groin: "These
pre-game analysis factors meant little compared to the psychological
motivation the Giants took into this game. Wellington Mara: the
greatest person in the NFL... that I had never heard of before."
I can not believe you could write that. You have never heard of
Mara and you write FF articles? Maybe some time as a intern will
help you learn pro football, until then try writing about tennis
I’ve never been in a fantasy football league that awards
points for owners, Mark. Please enlighten me on how this works.
You know, I can sit behind this computer and pretend to know everything
if you like, but I think our readers are intelligent enough to
see right through that. Most of our readers anyway.
Mike, Love the column. Your son Alex could do a
heck of a lot worse - he could be a Lions fan for 30 years. Your
Bills have been to 4 Super Bowls. The Lions were still wearing
leather helmets and competing against guys like Bronco Nagurski
when the Lions won their last championship. Furthermore, while
you've had QBs like Jim Kelly, we've had stiffs like Harrington,
Ware, Long, etc... So, I shed no tears. Keep up the good work.
P.S. Hey, Eric Moulds is sure paying dividends for me.
Okay Andrew, you convinced me. Alex is going to learn to cheer
for the Bills, and every time he complains my stock answer is
going to be, “It could be worse. You could be a Lions fan.”
Hello Mike. I've been enjoying the column. Here's
a real nice groin shot for you:
Last Monday night I'm going into the game with an 18.5
point lead (106.5 to 88.0). I have nobody left, he has Michael
Vick. I did a statistical analysis before the game and found
out that in 5 previous games this year, Michael Vick only scored
19.0 points once, so I figure I've got about an 80.0% chance
to hold on for the victory. In the game Vick's anemic passing
totals continue. However, he manages to run for 2 TDs giving
him 12 points. At the 2:00 minute warning at the end of the
game, my opponent and I are dead even in points, 106.5 to 106.5.
We award 0.5 points per every 10 yards passing, rushing, receiving.
Up to this point Vick has run for 2 TDs = 12.0 pts, passed for
116 yards = 5.5 pts and rushed for 21.0 yards = 1.0 pt which
totals up to 18.5 pts. So now we are tied, but because the hapless
Jets used all their timeouts, they can no longer stop the clock
so I knew what was coming, but still couldn't believe it. Vick
does three consecutive kneel downs which get scored as -1 yard
per play. After the minus 3 yards is added to Vick's rushing
totals he goes from 21 yards rushing to 18 yards rushing pulling
his point total for rushing yards down to 0.5. When all is said
and done, I end up winning 106.5 to 106.0, all because of 3
kneel downs at the end of the game! Can you believe it? I still
can't and my opponents groin must still be sore...
That is a great story R.W. The kneel down is always a classic
Mike, Talk about a groin shot. Shortly after the
ridiculous late interception by Mr. Vick, I’m tied @ 80.25,
Vick kneels on the ball 3 times and I lose 80.25 to 79.95. FF
will drive a man insane!
If not for score difference, I’d think I heard from both
ends of the same fantasy game. Isn’t it funny how the player
on the winning side going into so much detail whereas the player
on the short end drives right to the point? And Peter, on going
insane... the answer is Yes.
Comments From The Couch
- Did you know if you Google "Terrell Owens", the number of
hits has increased 534,179 in the past 4 days?
- You might as well Google "Panthers Cheerleaders" while you
are at it. The "TopCats" section of Panthers.com has been hit
with so much web traffic as a result of a road trip to Tampa
Bay, you'd think it was the FF Today Forums 30 minutes before
- And to save you some time, it was Angela
not falsely accused Kristen.
Talk about putting the "Fantasy" back into Football.
- Eli Manning has 2 road wins in his career as the Giants'
starter, one in the Meadowlands in the Saints "home" opener,
and now against the 49ers. Let's not go popping the bubbly just
- Brad Johnson is back in the saddle as the Vikings starting
QB... and they're winning? Michael Bennett is tearing it up.
Hey, there is an Andre Johnson sighting. What this flip is going
on here? Do I even dare ask who Samkon Gado is?
- Even though it is (pardon me, was) one of the dumbest recurring
TD celebrations going, that was a nice show of appreciation
by Nate Burelson doing the Daunte Culpepper forearm rollin',
rollin', rollin' move. I believe it was a bit overshadowed though...
by one of the most spectacular TD catches this season! Wow!
- I think Steve Smith should join a local community theatre,
to help utilize some of his creative energy. At any rate I really
liked the Zorro fencing TD celebration. Much better than the
"centerfold posing", "baby is sleeping", "row your boat" spectacles
earlier this season. I can't even keep track of all of them.
- The way my video recorder works, it can record up to 2 channels,
but when doing so I cannot view a third channel. After I watched
the final minutes of the Chargers-Jets tussle, I was frantically
turning off recordings to get back to the Raiders-Chiefs. Thankfully
I made it in time. What a finish! Of course Larry Johnson was
riding pine for me, but still a hell of a call.
- And speaking of The Call, no offense to Randy Cross suggesting
a quick pass, but Larry Johnson up the gut was absolutely the
right play for that team under those circumstances. Quick pass
given the pressure the Raiders had been getting on Trent Green?
- No. Settle for the FG and potentially rely on the Chiefs defense
in OT? - No. I can't remember the last time I saw the Chiefs
get stuffed on that goal line play call, and against the Raiders
run D, that play was money.
- Okay, back to the Chargers-Jets... well what is there to
say really. Brooks Bollinger comes off the bench to even get
them back in the game, and it is in his hands in the final minutes.
Throw up a couple prayers (really it could have been pass interference
on Fletcher covering Coles) and that is the ball game. The way
the season has gone for the Jets, fans have to be pretty proud
of that effort.
- And the Chargers are a team I just can't figure out. They
are talented and competitive with most any team, but man do
they fade down the stretch.
- Within seconds of telling my wife these 60 Seconds With Jimmy
Kimmel bits on Monday Night Football are not funny, we're both
laughing out loud at the Bill Cowher Angry Man piece. Great
- The Pats just have too many holes on defense right now. I
guess they made a promise not to put Troy Brown back in the
secondary again, because they could use him. Tomlinson's juke
which made all the highlights this week aside, it's also worth
noting that Ty Law is having a pretty good year for the Jets.
- Peyton Manning and the Colts finally got that gorilla off
their back. John Madden proclaimed now they know they will never
have to come back and play in Foxboro in the playoffs. Of course,
that is not entirely accurate. If the Pats win the AFC East
(certainly doable) and the Colts somehow stumble and fall behind
the Jaguars for the division crown (possible), then it could
be hello snow and ice come playoff time.
- Bills on a bye week this past week. Well, that's a better
result than the previous couple weeks.
And The Winner Is…
Obvious, isn’t it?