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FF In The Groin
Week 9

Easy groin candidates this week: A mediocre RB outshines Priest Holmes, a TE scoring like crazy and a friggin' kicker.

Groin Shot of the Week Candidates

Michael Pittman (128 RuYd, 3 TD) - Six years of mediocrity. When I look at Michael Pittman's career stats, that is what I see. Six years of mediocrity. He was the main starter for his team each of the past 4 years (twice Arizona, and twice Tampa). On the ground he exceeded 800 yards once. His yards per carry were 3.9, 3.5, 3.5 and 4.0. TD guy? Ha. His career high is 6 including receiving TDs way back in 2000. Longest run of his career: 58 yards back in 1999. Longest run the prior two seasons: 21 yards. So what happened? The guy gets suspended for 4 games to start this season, Mike Alstott gets injured and the Kansas City Chiefs escort to the end zone defense shows up, and all of a sudden Mr. Mediocrity outshines Priest Holmes.

Antonio Gates (56 Yd, 3 TD) - I'm just going to start throwing out some facts and stats here so you can stop reading when you've had enough. Antonio Gates leads the NFL in receptions, is tied for 12th in yards and is tied for 2nd in TDs. Note that is amongst ALL receivers, not just TEs. The Chargers have increased their offensive points per game from 19.6 in 2003 to 29.1 in 2004. Drew Brees has already surpassed his career high in passing TD of 17 when he started all 16 games for the Chargers back in 2002. Gates is 6'4", 260 lbs. and only 24 years old. This game marked only the 24th non-preseason football game Gates has played in since high school, 5 years ago. He did help the Kent State Golden Flashes get 1 win away from the final 4 basketball tournament. The Chargers took a chance signing him as an undrafted free agent, even though they couldn't acquire his game film from Detroit Central High.

Adam Vinatieri (4 FG, 4 XP and a #$@% PaTD!) - How much of a groin shot this is going to be will depend entirely on how your league rules the TD pass. Ah, am I glad I'm not a commissioner anymore. But I still hate kickers!

Top Commercials Broadcast During Football

Here are the top, or perhaps most memorable, TV commercials currently airing during football, as nominated by FF In The Groin readers:

7. Southwest Airlines' It Must Be Football Season - This year it was woman pops another woman with a twisted up towel, a la men's locker room humor. Unfortunately I couldn't track down the grocery store pineapple pass and catch spot.

6. Miller Beer's Referee Series - These are good but losing steam. "Intentional tastemask" is kind of funny. Unibrow infraction was funny. "Still single; play beer." Truthfully, it was going to be very tough to beat the first one: "Disproportionately hot girlfriend. I will need further review."

5. Budweiser - Shows referee getting screamed at by a coach; commentator: "where does he get training for that?"; changes scene to referee sitting at home on couch with wife similarly screaming at him. I hope none of us can relate!

4. NFL Network's Pseudo-Reality 11 Players In A House - "What, you mean the McNabb suite?" "You just lost your TV privileges."

3. Bud Light's Hired a Body Double - "This yard work is making me so sweaty."

2. Nextel's Office Geeks Dance Party - Friend turns to me on Sunday and says with a completely straight face, "this is exactly what my office is like."

1. Nike's Michael Vick Experience - The concept for this one is genius. As one reader said, If that were an actual ride, the line would be miles long."

When I started this I was thinking ads that are current, but any discussion of football commercials certainly brings to mind these all time classics:

  • Budweiser's Leon - At least there is no one in the NFL really like this... (cough, cough)

  • Reebok's Terry Tate, Office Linebacker. It's too bad more players in the NFL weren't as enthusiastic all the time as Terry is from 9:00 to 5:00...

  • Bud Light's Real Men of Genius Series. It originated on the radio. Great stuff.

  • And of course, Coors Light's, The Twins. USA Today headline: Coors' twins ads a hit with target market. Duh, you think?

    Comments From The Couch

    • Here is my take on fantasy football this season: If your players aren't scoring multiple TD games, then you're not going to win. Every week runners and receivers are popping in 2 or 3 TD (and not just Priest Holmes or Marshall Faulk). Quarterbacks are tossing 3, 4 or 5 TD with regularity. I blame weak pass rush, shoddy tackling, poor coverage and idiot coaching. Time to allocate a few more resources (i.e. top college athletes) to the defense. Oh, and I also blame Mike Shanahan. Jake Plummer with 4 TDs? Again?

      Multiple TD Games
       Pos  2001  2002  2003  2004 (9 Wks)
      QB 5+ TD games 1 2 5 6
      QB 4+ TD games 18 23 20 16
      QB 3+ TD games 76 79 76 37
      RB 4+ TD games 1 4 1 2
      RB 3+ TD games 9 17 12 10
      RB 2+ TD games 59 97 81 39
      WR 4+ TD games 1 0 2 0
      WR 3+ TD games 8 2 9 2
      WR 2+ TD games 53 61 51 26
      TE 4+ TD games 0 0 0 0
      TE 3+ TD games 0 1 1 1
      TE 2+ TD games 11 7 9 8

    • It's a good thing the NFL implemented new, more full disclosure injury reporting requirements this year. It is working wonders. Darrell Jackson anyone?

    • Line from color guy Bill Maas yesterday that half of you will think is funny and half will think is dumb. I thought it was funny. Commenting on Ben Roethlisberger: "He's making more headlines than a corduroy pillow." Oh, okay it is kind of dumb.

    • For a while there I was wondering what the odds are the Bills and Dolphins both win on the same day. And then it didn't matter.

    • So, let me get this straight...The Rams are a prolific passing team. They are playing at home, off a big upset loss in Miami and then bye week, going against the team that beat them in a heartbreaker of a Super Bowl (could they have more motivation?). The Patriots are down their top 2 CBs, and then the 3rd CB goes out after the second play of the game, so the Pats end up using an aging WR to fill the gap. Add it all up and the Rams get schooled. I like the Rams for fantasy purposes, but as a team they have no heart.

    • Aaron Brook is a great athlete. Unfortunately the QB position tends to require both brawn and brains. The Saints on Sunday were once again inexplicable. And that backwards pass by Brooks? Don't even get me started...

    • People are calling for Joe Gibbs to pull the plug on the Mark Brunell experiment. I don't think he's going to do it (quite yet), but a few more pass plays for Clinton Portis should be in order.

    • The Dallas Cowboys are like an all near-retirement dynasty league team that no prospective owner wants to touch. They are in need of one serious reclamation project.

    • Tim Rattay has not been getting the props he has earned this season, having performed quite well in each of his starts. The problem is recurring injury causing him to disappear for stretches. Even Kevan Barlow chipped in this week. The problem is Barlow just plain disappears.

    • I have never seen a team starting field position after a punt - with no return - begin inside the opponent's 10 yard line. That is, until the Browns net 7 yard punt from their end zone Sunday night. Brutal. Now I have seen it all.

    • Check that. I don't think I've ever seen a team fumble the ball on the first play of the game and lose 28 yards on the recovery. And Daunte Culpepper looked so hyped up before the opening kickoff. That has got to burst your bubble.

    • Watching the Monday night game and Nate Burleson's punt return TD. Do we honestly need to hear the, "that goal line goes around the world" line every damn weak? Please give it a rest Al and John.

    • B-I-L-L-S BILLS! BILLS! BILLS! Woo! But I must admit, I was sweating a bit when the Jets brought on Quincy Carter to take over from the Jets 1 yard line - NOT!

    And The Winner Is…

    Two of the 3 candidates I traded in the past few weeks. Here's a hint: I rarely bother trading kickers. Can't say I'm too happy about those deals but I'm certainly contributing to improving the parity in my league. On the bright side, the new Antonio Gates owner beat the second place team to help me leap over him. I'll take the small consolation, and hand Gates the award this week. Sure looks like it won't be his last award either.