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FF In The Groin
Week 10

Should I just dedicate this entire column to the Colts this week? One of the triplets is hogging the spotlight.

Groin Shot of the Week Candidates

The Indianapolis Colts - "Hi! This is Mike MacGregor reporting from glorious Indianapolis, Indiana. Normally we roll out the red carpet in Hollywood, but tonight there is a special awards show right here in the Hoosier state, and we're going to meet the stars! Oh, and a big stretch limo just pulled up. Who is the first - and only one - out the limo... it's the star of the show, Peyton Manning!" (flashbulb - flashbulb - flashbulb) "The crowd is going wild. Many awards are expected to be bestowed on Peyton tonight." "Peyton, if I could have a minute, what do these individual awards mean to you?"

Peyton: "Well Mike, they're great because until they build a dome stadium and lay down some turf in New England or Pittsburgh, the team awards could be a long time coming."

MM: "Right... Well, let me ask you this: There is a rumor circulating that the Indy Triplets are breaking up and you're going to launch a solo career."

PM: "Peyton Manning and the Colts has a much nicer ring to it then Triplets of Indy, don't you think? Plus they can't name a freeway 'Triplets'."

MM: "Any truth to the accusations you needlessly ran up the score against the Texans?"

PM: (murmuring to self: "Smile and wave, smile and wave, smile and wave...")

MM: "Uh huh. Well, enjoy the show Peyton. I see another car pulling up with your supporting cast. Looks like a Mini Cooper, rental. And out pops Brandon Stokley and Dallas Clark. Brandon, quick question: How can fantasy football owners predict when you're going to light up the scoreboard?"

BS: "If opposing coaches can't figure it out, then I don't expect some fantasy geeks to figure it out."

MM: "But do you even know coming out of the meetings all week?"

BS: "Not really. See, it's like blind bidding. Each of the receivers and backs get an envelope marked 'Confidential: For Tom Moore and Peyton Manning' and insert what they think is a worthwhile monetary contribution to get involved in the game plan the next game. Tom and Peyton review the bribes... (err, I mean bids; edit that) and the highest bidders get the chances."

MM: "Very enlightening. Why aren't Edgerrin James and Marvin Harrison taking more advantage of this, Dallas?"

DC: "Heh heh, well see, when it is time to drop off the bids, I walk up to these guys and ask if they need me to take them into Tom's office. Then I pull their bids out and pocket the cash. Marvin is such a nice guy he would never suspect anything deceitful, and Edgerrin is just plain gullible. It's too bad they are in the last year of their contracts, because otherwise I think their bids would be higher. This poor Iowa boy needs to pay for my Pa's new yacht."

MM: "How gullible is Edgerrin?"

DS: "Ha ha. He's so screwed up the team has him believing we'd be just as well off with Dominic Rhodes or James Mungro as the starter. We all sit around and have a good laugh about that one. Hey, here they come now."

MM: "Really? I see an old jalopy sputtering up to the runway. Geez, what a wreck. Edgerrin is behind the wheel with Marcus Pollard in the passenger seat and Marvin is in the back. Marvin looks pissed. The crowd has already gone inside, and this is a first, the valet won't even take their keys. Well, I don't want to be seen with those guys. Time to head inside myself."

Muhsin Muhammad (123 Yd, 3 TD) - What did I say last week about multiple TD games? What did I say about it coming from unlikely sources? (Well, if I didn't say that I was thinking it.) So what happens when a one year Super Bowl contender, built on the strength of it's running game and ability to stop the run, loses both its running backs and the interior of its defensive line? Time for a little pitch-and-catch, and apparently Muhammad is more then up to the catch task lately. Mark him down for 323 yards and 5 TD in the past 3 weeks. Do you think he has a feeling his Panther days may be numbered so he's marketing himself the best way he can? I love it when my players do that...

Derrick Blaylock (224 Yd, 1 TD) - No Priest, no problem! I got your replacement here. Wait a second. You, Priest owners, after you picked up Derrick Blaylock earlier this year when you were on Priest Holmes injury watch, you didn't DROP HIM since then, did you? Oh, you did... Geez, well, yeah uh... this fantasy football is all luck anyway... That's it, all luck... I'm sure you had your reasons for dropping the most valuable handcuff in the league to protect against losing your MVP. You're against handcuffing? I see... Well, with playoff hopes practically dashed for the Chiefs now I'm sure they'll rush Holmes right back in there to pad his stats and help you continue the path to your fantasy football championship. Right... Great googly-moogly.

FF In The Groin Mailbag

Regarding the Top Commercials aired during football...

I think you'd have to include Ford's new "Field of Dreams" take-off with Steve McQueen taking the new Mustang for a spin. Brilliant concept and well executed. - Stephen

Also received similar mention to this ad by Randy from St. Louis. The thing I realized after I started this is, I'm just a dumb Canuck (for those who don't know), so I'm not seeing all of the same ads my friends (that's you) south of the 49th parallel are seeing. Do you guys see the Bud Lite Institute endless steaming cup of coffee one? "Johnson!" Love that one.

The Nextel commercial is by far the funniest one I've ever seen. I don't know how it stacks up #2 to the Vick experience, which I admit is cool, but has nowhere near the lasting memory effects of the Nextel commercial. I still chuckle when I think about it, and having seen it probably like 15 times, I still bust out laughing every time I see it. Whereas I had forgotten the Vick commercial until you brought it up again. Revise next week? - David

I needed an ad with a football angle for the #1 spot. Unless of course some Nextel rep wants to send me a phone? Then I'd be happy to revise.

Worst Late or Garbage Time Scores

Since I got a bit carried away with the Colts thing this week, we'll save this until next week. Send me your stories for worst late or garbage time scores that killed your fantasy game, or season. I'll pick the best hard-luck stories and we'll all have a good laugh at your expense.

Comments From The Couch

  • A valiant effort by Eddie Drummond. He deserved better. For a team that has won late and ugly all year, it is about time the Jags notched an overtime victory.

  • Michael Pittman: 20 rushes for 62 yards (3.1 average) with a long of 10. That's the mediocre RB I remember. Apparently Pittman was pulling what we like to call "a Quentin Griffin" against the Chiefs last week.

  • If I gave the following stat line for a QB: 6-17-58, 0-0 , would you guess that it was going to go up or down the following week? It couldn't possibly get worse, could it? Try: 1-8-6, 0-1 . Mark Brunell is stealing from the Redskins.

  • For some inexplicable reason, I had a hunch that Lee Suggs was going to do well this week. You know sometimes you get those feelings with no basis at all? Anyway, once the Joey Porter-William Green fight broke out and they both got tossed, I was thinking, "Suggs is going to get 100% of the work. Did I have some sort of sixth sense on this?" And then the game started.

  • Note to the Cleveland Browns re: preparing to play an obviously superior team currently on the highest of highs and then lobbing mid-week comments to them about knocking out the opposing team's rookie and star QB who they love and getting involved in pre-game fisticuffs - let sleeping dogs lie. I wish I could send "Red" from That 70's Show down there to knock some sense into you. Dumbasses.

  • Note to my buddy and fantasy opponent for 1st place this week, Bryan, who was kind enough to call me midway through the Steelers-Browns game and ask me how the Lee Suggs hunch was working out. I decided to, again inexplicably, start Suggs in this game. Even with that zero point effort from Suggs though, I dropped the high score for the season on him. Bryan, that's why you don't call your opponent to gloat only midway through the early games.

  • I missed most of what looks like it was the best game of the day, Vikings at Packers. I really thought the Vikings were going to recover the Robert Ferguson fumble at the end. But they didn't, and promptly gave up the winning score. That's how things go when a 5-1 start is quickly spiraling downward. It's tough to break the momentum.

  • Mike Holmgren has tried everything to get his receivers to stop dropping so many passes. Pushups are obviously not working. Bringing in Jerry Rice is not working. I think it is about time he just gave up on them. From what I witnessed they appear truly hopeless.

  • The Jets like to try trick plays more then most teams. Sometimes they work, sometimes, not so much... Up 14-0 and driving with a backup QB against one of the best defenses in the league, is probably not the right time to pull out the tricks. Taking a line from Matt Waldman's weekly 20/20 article, hindsight's a bitch.

  • The past two weeks the Giants have been up 14-0 and 14-3 early, and lost both games. This is more what I expected preseason from them instead of the early season success. Now let's see what this other Manning can do.

  • Waiting for the Bills comment? I have no comment.

And The Winner Is…

For my big production going on about the Colts, I'm going to give it to Muhsin Muhammad this week. Too many Colts to choose from, and lucky for me my friend Johnny Strange who invites me on his radio show each week asked me on Friday, "Nate Burleson or Muhammad?" I said Muhammad, which had me worried since I saw Burleson was having a great game himself. Thanks for helping me keep some credibility there Muhsin. Whew!