Should I just dedicate this entire column to the Colts this week?
One of the triplets is hogging the spotlight.
Groin Shot of the Week Candidates
The Indianapolis Colts - "Hi!
This is Mike MacGregor reporting from glorious Indianapolis, Indiana.
Normally we roll out the red carpet in Hollywood, but tonight
there is a special awards show right here in the Hoosier state,
and we're going to meet the stars! Oh, and a big stretch limo
just pulled up. Who is the first - and only one - out the limo...
it's the star of the show, Peyton Manning!" (flashbulb -
flashbulb - flashbulb) "The crowd is going wild. Many awards
are expected to be bestowed on Peyton tonight." "Peyton,
if I could have a minute, what do these individual awards mean
Peyton: "Well Mike, they're great because until they build
a dome stadium and lay down some turf in New England or Pittsburgh,
the team awards could be a long time coming."
MM: "Right... Well, let me ask you this: There is a rumor
circulating that the Indy Triplets are breaking up and you're
going to launch a solo career."
PM: "Peyton Manning and the Colts has a much nicer ring
to it then Triplets of Indy, don't you think? Plus they can't
name a freeway 'Triplets'."
MM: "Any truth to the accusations you needlessly ran up
the score against the Texans?"
PM: (murmuring to self: "Smile and wave, smile and wave,
smile and wave...")
MM: "Uh huh. Well, enjoy the show Peyton. I see another
car pulling up with your supporting cast. Looks like a Mini Cooper,
rental. And out pops Brandon Stokley and Dallas Clark. Brandon,
quick question: How can fantasy football owners predict when you're
going to light up the scoreboard?"
BS: "If opposing coaches can't figure it out, then I don't
expect some fantasy geeks to figure it out."
MM: "But do you even know coming out of the meetings all
BS: "Not really. See, it's like blind bidding. Each of the
receivers and backs get an envelope marked 'Confidential: For
Tom Moore and Peyton Manning' and insert what they think is a
worthwhile monetary contribution to get involved in the game plan
the next game. Tom and Peyton review the bribes... (err, I mean
bids; edit that) and the highest bidders get the chances."
MM: "Very enlightening. Why aren't Edgerrin James and Marvin
Harrison taking more advantage of this, Dallas?"
DC: "Heh heh, well see, when it is time to drop off the
bids, I walk up to these guys and ask if they need me to take
them into Tom's office. Then I pull their bids out and pocket
the cash. Marvin is such a nice guy he would never suspect anything
deceitful, and Edgerrin is just plain gullible. It's too bad they
are in the last year of their contracts, because otherwise I think
their bids would be higher. This poor Iowa boy needs to pay for
my Pa's new yacht."
MM: "How gullible is Edgerrin?"
DS: "Ha ha. He's so screwed up the team has him believing
we'd be just as well off with Dominic Rhodes or James Mungro as
the starter. We all sit around and have a good laugh about that
one. Hey, here they come now."
MM: "Really? I see an old jalopy sputtering up to the runway.
Geez, what a wreck. Edgerrin is behind the wheel with Marcus Pollard
in the passenger seat and Marvin is in the back. Marvin looks
pissed. The crowd has already gone inside, and this is a first,
the valet won't even take their keys. Well, I don't want to be
seen with those guys. Time to head inside myself."
Muhsin Muhammad (123 Yd, 3 TD)
- What did I say last week about multiple TD games? What did I
say about it coming from unlikely sources? (Well, if I didn't
say that I was thinking it.) So what happens when a one year Super
Bowl contender, built on the strength of it's running game and
ability to stop the run, loses both its running backs and the
interior of its defensive line? Time for a little pitch-and-catch,
and apparently Muhammad is more then up to the catch task lately.
Mark him down for 323 yards and 5 TD in the past 3 weeks. Do you
think he has a feeling his Panther days may be numbered so he's
marketing himself the best way he can? I love it when my players
Derrick Blaylock (224 Yd, 1 TD)
- No Priest, no problem! I got your replacement here. Wait a second.
You, Priest owners, after you picked up Derrick Blaylock earlier
this year when you were on Priest Holmes injury watch, you didn't
DROP HIM since then, did you? Oh, you did... Geez, well, yeah
uh... this fantasy football is all luck anyway... That's it, all
luck... I'm sure you had your reasons for dropping the most valuable
handcuff in the league to protect against losing your MVP. You're
against handcuffing? I see... Well, with playoff hopes practically
dashed for the Chiefs now I'm sure they'll rush Holmes right back
in there to pad his stats and help you continue the path to your
fantasy football championship. Right... Great googly-moogly.
FF In The Groin Mailbag
Regarding the Top Commercials aired during football...
I think you'd have to include Ford's new "Field
of Dreams" take-off with Steve McQueen taking the new Mustang
for a spin. Brilliant concept and well executed. - Stephen
Also received similar mention to this ad by Randy from St. Louis.
The thing I realized after I started this is, I'm just a dumb
Canuck (for those who don't know), so I'm not seeing all of the
same ads my friends (that's you) south of the 49th parallel are
seeing. Do you guys see the Bud Lite Institute endless steaming
cup of coffee one? "Johnson!" Love that one.
The Nextel commercial is by far the funniest one
I've ever seen. I don't know how it stacks up #2 to the Vick experience,
which I admit is cool, but has nowhere near the lasting memory
effects of the Nextel commercial. I still chuckle when I think
about it, and having seen it probably like 15 times, I still bust
out laughing every time I see it. Whereas I had forgotten the
Vick commercial until you brought it up again. Revise next week?
I needed an ad with a football angle for the #1 spot. Unless
of course some Nextel rep wants to send me a phone? Then I'd be
happy to revise.
Worst Late or Garbage Time Scores
Since I got a bit carried away with the Colts thing this week,
we'll save this until next week. Send me your stories for worst
late or garbage time scores that killed your fantasy game, or
season. I'll pick the best hard-luck stories and we'll all have
a good laugh at your expense.
Comments From The Couch
- A valiant effort by Eddie Drummond. He deserved better. For
a team that has won late and ugly all year, it is about time
the Jags notched an overtime victory.
- Michael Pittman: 20 rushes for 62 yards (3.1 average) with
a long of 10. That's the mediocre RB I remember. Apparently
Pittman was pulling what we like to call "a Quentin Griffin"
against the Chiefs last week.
- If I gave the following stat line for a QB: 6-17-58, 0-0
, would you guess that it was going to go up or down the following
week? It couldn't possibly get worse, could it? Try: 1-8-6,
0-1 . Mark Brunell is stealing from the Redskins.
- For some inexplicable reason, I had a hunch that Lee Suggs
was going to do well this week. You know sometimes you get those
feelings with no basis at all? Anyway, once the Joey Porter-William
Green fight broke out and they both got tossed, I was thinking,
"Suggs is going to get 100% of the work. Did I have some
sort of sixth sense on this?" And then the game started.
- Note to the Cleveland Browns re: preparing to play an
obviously superior team currently on the highest of highs and
then lobbing mid-week comments to them about knocking out the
opposing team's rookie and star QB who they love and getting involved
in pre-game fisticuffs - let sleeping dogs lie. I wish I could
send "Red" from That 70's Show down there to knock some
sense into you. Dumbasses.
- Note to my buddy and fantasy opponent for 1st place this
week, Bryan, who was kind enough to call me midway through the
Steelers-Browns game and ask me how the Lee Suggs hunch was
working out. I decided to, again inexplicably, start Suggs in
this game. Even with that zero point effort from Suggs though,
I dropped the high score for the season on him. Bryan, that's
why you don't call your opponent to gloat only midway through
the early games.
- I missed most of what looks like it was the best game of
the day, Vikings at Packers. I really thought the Vikings were
going to recover the Robert Ferguson fumble at the end. But
they didn't, and promptly gave up the winning score. That's
how things go when a 5-1 start is quickly spiraling downward.
It's tough to break the momentum.
- Mike Holmgren has tried everything to get his receivers to
stop dropping so many passes. Pushups are obviously not working.
Bringing in Jerry Rice is not working. I think it is about time
he just gave up on them. From what I witnessed they appear truly
- The Jets like to try trick plays more then most teams. Sometimes
they work, sometimes, not so much... Up 14-0 and driving with
a backup QB against one of the best defenses in the league,
is probably not the right time to pull out the tricks. Taking
a line from Matt Waldman's weekly 20/20 article, hindsight's
- The past two weeks the Giants have been up 14-0 and 14-3
early, and lost both games. This is more what I expected preseason
from them instead of the early season success. Now let's see
what this other Manning can do.
- Waiting for the Bills comment? I have no comment.
And The Winner Is
For my big production going on about the Colts, I'm going to
give it to Muhsin Muhammad this week. Too many Colts to choose
from, and lucky for me my friend Johnny Strange who invites me
on his radio show each week asked me on Friday, "Nate Burleson
or Muhammad?" I said Muhammad, which had me worried since
I saw Burleson was having a great game himself. Thanks for helping
me keep some credibility there Muhsin. Whew!